Why I hate "Half Sours"

I just finished eating a classic New York-style half sour pickle and it made me furious and sad.

Actually, I ate it last Saturday as a side dish with my burger at DuMont but I still have a bad taste in my mouth. What is it with these New York half sours? It's like people in this city are so impatient they can't wait for a pickle to properly mature before they're plucking it from a jar and putting it on someone's unsuspecting plate. The result too often resembles a tasteless, vapid cucumber that no amount of salt can salvage.

Where I come from (Texas) we're not afraid to throw a bunch of cucumbers in a jar with some vinegar and pickling spice, put it on a shelf and forget about it for a year or two. The result is a cheek-puckering explosion of flavor that stands up to the pickle name. Whole sours should be bloated like an alcoholic's liver and soft to the touch. Slicing them should reveal a juiciness that's been gathering strength over the ensuing months as the chemical reactions transform the cucumber's watery insides.

During the long hot Texas summers as kids we'd go to the public swimming pool and order pickle juice snow cones. I don't imagine any New York City kids would find the brine in a bucket of deli half sours worthy of a snow cone topping. So why do the city's chefs consider these miserable excuses for a condiment a fitting accompaniment to their burgers and sandwiches?

Come on New York chefs, get with the program! Kosher sour dills are the way to go. If you don't have the time to pickle them yourself, pick up a jar of Vlasic. Heck, even a B&G Deluxe would do the trick.

Please remember this holiday season that we are in two wars and a global environmental and economic crisis. This should be a time of sacrifice, but not on flavor.